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I can’t

I can’t tell anyone about my feeling

I can’t tell anyone about my thought

I am scared

I am afraid

But i can’t tell and share it

My chest is in pain for the feeling of sadness and scared. But still i have to keep quiet.

It is not worth to ask someone to listen to.

They do not understand

They only blame me for too weak, too sensitive

I am afraid of death. It will cone in near future. Still, i can’t tell them how i feel.

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When you are alone

… No one to distract you

… No business to think of

Just you and yourself and the emptiness.

But the mind is not empty. It keeps going with all the review, idea, imagination.

The bad one.

The one that drag you to the blackest, deepest, worst thought.

I hate it

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Sometimes i miss a fewling when you hold someone and talk to someone intimacy.

just you and i. On a couch or bed or chairs. Coffee or tea, milk or just plain water.

Just you and i.

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The night

When the night come, turn off the light, turn off the computer, turn off the tv.

Silent.

And my brain start thinking how lonely i am. What a wasteful life…

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A broken heart

If he leaves, i have none.

Zero

Nol

Empty

Hole

Kosong

.

If he goes

I have no one to talk to

To share the stories

To share the laugh

To share the love

To share the dreams.

.

If he walks away

I’ll stay

With memories and love that we shared

Remember his smile, his laugh, his anger, his movement, his forehead, his lips.

I will stay with you. In my dream. In my mind. In my heart.

I will stay.

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I haven’t start yet. I am scared. I know i have to face it anyway. I can feel the lump getting bigger and sometimes it hurts. I need to take care of myself at some points but i am scared.

I have no one. No mom, no dad, no husband and no kids. I am alone. I have friends and relatives but they are not so close.

I have no one to talk to and cry. A feeling of someone close will be nice.

Why… Why… Why….

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When you have tumor on your right breast and leison on your left ankle.

So i have to sleep on my back and could not move on my side.