Posted in My thought

Gw iri

Gw lagi iri. Beneran iriiii…. sampe nangis karena iri.

Gara-gara status di facebook.

orang2 seusia gw kebanyakan sudah hidup mapan. Punya segalanya berdasarkan cita-cita: bekerja, berkeluarga, punya anak, jalan-jalan, pergi haji atau umroh, punya kendaraan. Sempurna deh.

Beda jauh sama gw.

Gw masih single, ga punya apa-apa. Rumah kalo ga dibeliin nyokap, ga akan punya (Untung keras kepala gw cuma sebentar. Keukeuh pengen beli rumah dari duit sendiri). Waktu nyokap masih ada, somehow rejeki gw ada terus. Sekolah gw ga beres, karir gw mandeg.

Beda ma teman2 gw di FB. Kok kayaknya bahagia banget. Ada yang menumpahkan kasih sayang ke pasangan, ke anak. Pamer sedang jalan-jalan tiap bentar. Pamer: on the way to airport, fly from Jakarta to singapore. Atau yang dari lingkungan gw; paper udah siap, dipanggil buat seminar di anuh atau paper tinggal dua lagi. Apalagi kalo baca dengan nada boastful atau captionnya boastful, gw makin sedih. Kadang marah.

Sementara gw: ngerjain paper satu aja butuh waktu berbulan-bulan.

Buntu

Nangis banget dah.

Kadang bikin patah semangat. Bukannya jadi penambah semangat.

Kenapa nasib gw sial banget: sendirian, bego, berjuang bertahan hidup. Bikin depresi dan mood swing.

Jangan bilang deh kalo banyak yang hidupnya lebih susah dari gw. Ga mempan. Tiap tingkatan kehidupan ada penderitanya juga.

Walhasil beberapa hari ini gw musuhan sama fb. Ga mau buka-buka dan hanya buka kalau mau upload di fp gw aja. Mau-ga mau harus update.

Apa sih sebenarnya yang ada di kepala mereka yang nunjukin kebahagiaannya di FB? Emang beneran bahagia? pengen pamer atau emang merasa it should be published? sama kayak gw yang suka share foto2 hasil karya gw (dan seorang teman ngeblock gw karena katanya gw keseringan pamer foto – gw kira dia cuma emang ga senang sama gw deh).

Emang sih semuanya in your head, on your mind. Tapi tetep aja, bikin sebel.

—ngantuk….

 

 

 

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Posted in Uncategorized

A broken heart

If he leaves, i have none.

Zero

Nol

Empty

Hole

Kosong

.

If he goes

I have no one to talk to

To share the stories

To share the laugh

To share the love

To share the dreams.

.

If he walks away

I’ll stay

With memories and love that we shared

Remember his smile, his laugh, his anger, his movement, his forehead, his lips.

I will stay with you. In my dream. In my mind. In my heart.

I will stay.

Posted in Curhat Colongan

So i went to the doctor. My head is heavy for the last two days. I guess my blood pressure is getting high. I knew my period will arrive soon, bloat, diarrhea, headache, sleepy, arr some of the symptoms. however, the higher blood pressure is not expected.

So i went to get meds for this blood thing and while i was waiting the blood start to discharge. My stomach was really in pain, i need to bite my lips, i need to lay down. I am so sleepy, cold and light headed.

Told the doctor about my problems. I knew the meds. I just need catopryl and rest. Panadol is enough for the cramp. But i listened to him explain everything and he gave me mefenamat acid and a med for my intestine since it will impact my gastrointestinal.

I told him about the lump. He couldn’t hear me well, suddenly emotions surrounded me. Overwhelmed. He didn’t check my breast. He asked me to describe it. I try my best to describe it.

He said it might be fat. It doesn’t mean the bad one. I started to cry. He offers me to select 4 hospitals in the area which i refused. I want to be near my family which means on the other town.

I am so scared. It is my life and i might be not recover. I need to be ready for everything. I need to cry hard and let my heart out.

I am alone. No one will cry for me when i am dead. They might remember me for a month or two. I have no legacy. I need to make one. I want someone who care and love me on my bed to make sure i am fine and get the best medication that necessary.

Is it too much? Is it selfish?

I am scared

I am sad

I’ll be fine at the end

Posted in Uncategorized

I haven’t start yet. I am scared. I know i have to face it anyway. I can feel the lump getting bigger and sometimes it hurts. I need to take care of myself at some points but i am scared.

I have no one. No mom, no dad, no husband and no kids. I am alone. I have friends and relatives but they are not so close.

I have no one to talk to and cry. A feeling of someone close will be nice.

Why… Why… Why….

Posted in Uncategorized

When you have tumor on your right breast and leison on your left ankle.

So i have to sleep on my back and could not move on my side.

Posted in Uncategorized

Pasrah itu….

Pasrah itu saat lo tau ga ada jalan lain dan menerima semua yang terjadi.

Pasrah itu saat semua usaha sudah dikerahkan dan tinggal menerima semua yang akan terjadi.

Pasrah itu saat ga lagi ngomel dengan semua kejadian.

Pasrah itu….

Jujur, gw takut…