Posted in Uncategorized

1-800-273-8255 Logic

What if…

I tend to be suicidal. My thought of killing myself is so intense sometimes, especially during the period. It was suck, it is suck and still suck.

Gimana gw mo bunuh diri? Rumah gw ga punya palang yang cukup tinggi atau kuat untuk menahan beban 80 kilo. Gw ga mungkin dong numpang gantung diri di rumah sodara gw yang punya pagar di lantai 2. Gw pernah mimpi menggantung di pohon dalam hutan tempat biasa gw kerja. Pohonnya tinggi-tinggi dan memberikan tempat yang ideal. Gw ingin menjadi “penghuni” hutan itu. Tapi apa daya, gw takut ketinggian. Buat menggantung diri di pohon butuh manjat sedangkan naik 1 anak tangga aja gw dah keringat dingin. Lucu… mau mati tapi takut tinggi.

Gimana dengan racun. Too messy. Too dramatic dan ga cepet mati. Lagipula gw dah bertahun-tahun meracuni diri sendiri dengan junk food. Menabrakan diri? Too messy and become headline. I want a quiet death.

Kenapa gw pengen bunuh diri? I am not gay who need acceptance. Gw cuma perempuan yang tidak cantik, tidak menarik, karir buruk, kepercayaan diri rendah, shallow, anxiety, stupid, what else….

I have no one. My family is not around, have no boyfriend (not really, sorry F but it seems that marriage is not on your mind). Not so many friends, nothing to fight for. Kadang gw berfikir bahwa gw lah yang harus diperjuangkan untuk hidup, bukan karena mereka. But….

So when they discuss that number by logic, i need to re-think about suicide and why me. But i have to go. I am still alive today. Logic hope that we are alive. But i do not know tomorrow.

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Author:

Woman. Single.

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