Posted in Curhat Colongan

What if i die?

Akhir-akhir ini nafas menjadi sedikit lebih berat. Entah karena lump, entah memang ada gangguan pernafasan lainnya. Entah.

What if i die?

Gw harus mempertanggungjawabkan hidup gw kehadapan tuhan. Tuhan yang belum pernah gw bayangkan. Yang selama ini gw nafikan karena berbagai alasan dan kesombongan. Dan gw pasrah. Karena ga bisa dielakan. Gw percaya itu.

Apa yang terjadi setelah gw meninggal? Berapa lama orang akan mengingat gw? Bagaimana dengan barang2 yang gw tumpuk? Adakah orang lain yang bersedia membagikan dan memanfaatkan? Bagaimana dengan hutang gw, adakah yang bersedia menanggulangi? Adakah yang mendoakan gw? Adakah legacy yang gw tinggalkan?

Atau gw hanya sekedar nama diantara ribuan nama. Sekelebat wajah yang tak bernilai. Sekedar kenangan yang makin mengabur.

Atau nama yang berusaha dilupakan karena memberikan kenangan tang tak menyenangkan. Bisik-bisik tentang keburukan dan kegagalan gw.

Gw ga tahu…

Teman gw baru-baru ini menjadi widower. Seorang teman teasingly menyodorkan gw dan bilang: kalo di kasur tutup aja mukanya.

Gw sedikit terkejut. Is that bad?

I know i am not pretty and i never think myself prettt. I am just feel fine with myself. I hardly look on mirrow since mirrow give me false reflection.

I feel fine looking myself but not others when they see me. So when this man said cover the face when you are in bed, it was hurt me.

At the end it is appearance that more important than brain and attitude. The size of your breast, ass, body, the good looking.

Will they remember me as fat, ugly, old maid? Or cheerful sweet kindhearted girl? Or clever but ill fate old woman?

Never know.

Should i consider those assumptions now? I think i shouldn’t even though it is bugging me right now and make me stay awake and crying.

I just need to clean my house and sort everything so wheb the time come, they know what to do with all of these stuff.

I need to leave some legacies for them so they can make the best use of it. Having no future and limited tine, i need to be well-prepared.

While writing this (and crying), i remember all people that i love, i think i love and concern. Some backstab me, some actually don’t care about me, some are not know me. One or two loves me without knowing me deeply. One or two always reach for me. Some depend on me.

Eventually i just a dust on their mind.

Besides remark about my face, some men love to tease my big butt and breast which i can handle it. And how fat i am.

No more hurt no more mad. Just like when they tease my marital status. They will pity on me if they understand the lump but it will not help me to get adequate respect from them.

Do i need them to respect me?

I do not know.

I am just a big fat, unflattering old maid who love to smile and fun, who love to tease young men or gatal, eat alot, lazy and talk loud.

While i consider myseld as lonely woman with no one around who struggle to wake up and cheer up herself each morning, who try to lost weight by any means, and encourage herself that it is ok being ugly and stupid, who still hoping for unconditional love from someone who could be non exist.

Mimpi itu mungkin akan menjadi kenyataan. Tahun ini.